December 29, 2010

Dreaming With a Broken Heart

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone...."

I've come a long way from where I was nearly three years ago. I had a heart that was shattered into so many pieces I wasn't sure it would ever heal. I survived, endured and with a lot of help and a change of scenery I found myself a happy, healthier me if a little bit poorer (ok, maybe a lot poorer). I felt I was finally ready to put a toe in the dating waters this summer and it wasn't exactly bountiful but I did enjoy the dates I did go on. Then one cold December evening I went to meet a friend to help celebrate her birthday and I met someone. It wasn't fireworks. More like finding your favorite blanket. It was warm, it was comfortable and it was familiar. I could have stayed wrapped in the comfort of that blanket forever but I couldn't. She had to go home. Home is across the country in Ottawa. I got to spend one more afternoon with her before she left.

I couldn't believe my luck. Single, Sparks and close. That has always been the trifecta. I can't seem to get that. Most of the time the problem is with the sparks. I'v felt this strongly about three women in my life. The first was adamant I was too young. The second wasn't single so she was off limits. This time, I had chemistry in spades. She just happens to live 13,000kms away (13,200.91 kilometres to be exact). The Proclaimers might walk 500 miles to be with the one they love but I would have to walk 8200 miles.

We spoke at length about what we should do about our situation. Neither of us had expected this but we also had no illusions that should we choose to pursue this we were going to be in for a huge uphill battle. There were hurdles beyond just the distance that we would have to overcome but we both agreed to cautiously pursue this. We'd been given a gift. How could we not?

We tried.

In the short time that we tried we did all we could to make this work but reality would bring us down to earth. I got a text message from her the day before yesterday. She wanted to talk to me. I think both of us half expected it would come to this but neither of us wanted to believe it would. If anything I was surprised how quickly it happened and I think I was a little surprised she was the one to cave. I know why she did it. I can't even imagine how hard it must have been to say the words.  I don't hold it against her. I have nothing but love for her. I wish the circumstances were different. I wish we could make this work.We were given a gift. I am eternally grateful.

I will be ok. I hope she will too. Fare thee well love. I will hold you in my heart forever.