June 2, 2010

Alert Status Red

There are days that just don't go well and then there are days when things just keep wanting to go for from bad to worse. Just as a preface to the story I am about to tell I have intentionally removed an identifying details so please forgive me if the structure is a little awkward but it needs to be this way.

A friend called me this morning and left a message saying they were on edge. Unfortunately for me the missed call didn't register but the voicemail did and I didn't see it til I was on my way to a meeting. I tried touching base with them later in the day and although still quite depressed it was explained to me that they just needed some time to themselves. 15 minutes later I found a facebook post that I interpreted as a suicide threat and I panicked. I called their partner who also happens to be a good friend and asked them to check in with them as I was in a full on state of alert status red. I think I may have inadvertently come across badly and although I sent follow up messages apologizing I never heard back. In the end the only thing I can do is trust that what I did, no matter how it was taken will be forgiven and forgotten in the end as it came from a place of grave concern and a spirit of altruism.

A little background.

Growing up I had always steadfastly maintained I would never go to a suicide's funeral. I always thought it was the most selfish thing someone could do and if they felt they couldn't reach out in that moment to a friend then I couldn't and wouldn't support their final sentient decision. That was until two Christmas' ago. It was my first Christmas after the breakup. I was massively depressed. I was in so much emotional turmoil and was feeling so much pain that all I could think was that I just wanted this pain to stop. It was more than I could bear. I reached for a bottle of sleeping pills and came within a moment of downing the entire bottle. At that moment, call it fate, call it luck, call it a higher power but my action was interrupted. An instant message from a friend in Texas. She talked me down and I lived. Looking back at that moment I understand now why some people hit that breaking point. It' not out of selfishness, it's not that they've stopped caring, it's not that they want to die even. All they want is quiet. It seems like such an extreme way to find that peace but in that moment of chaos, it makes sense. If I can just make it stop it will feel better.

For some of you who have never been to that edge, it doesn't make sense and never will. For those of you that have never seen the edge, I hope you never do even if it means you never understand. It's a scary place and I hope I never find myself there again. I have one friend in El Paso, Texas to thank for pulling me from the brink and no words, actions or currency will ever be enough to repay the debt I owe her. I will, however, do everything I can from this day forward to live this life the best way I can and pay it forward every opportunity I get.

I think that's why when presented with this situation today I panicked. I didn't want to lose someone and I wasn't close enough to be able to intervene. I called, I text messaged and the only thing I could think of was to call their partner in the hopes they could intervene even though their relationship was on the brink I was hoping humanity would prevail. In the end I may have created a further catalyst for the demise of a relationship. There are hurt feelings and what I think may be some hard feelings to me as well. All I can do is trust what a very wise man named Theodor Seuss Geisel once said. “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” They matter to me and I hope they feel the same of me.

Something I learned today: Even in a moment of panic I should still think (even if it means quickly) what the consequences of my actions might be.

Reason to smile today: Thank you Joy for a second chance.

May 28, 2010

The Eternal Xuanshine and a Spotless Mind

Losing something always sucks. You search high and low tearing rooms and homes apart trying to find that precious thing to no avail. What if it was a person and not a thing?

I was supposed to pick up Xuan from the airport today. She was coming back to Canada. Things had not gone well in Mexico and she was coming home. I knew her schedule. She was supposed to be arriving mid afternoon and I hustled to get my wok done early. I got to the airport and watched people filing through the airport greeted by friends or family or tour guides. I waited.

Nothing.

The schedule posted the flight deplaning had completed and after 45 minutes I inquired if there is a customs office I could make an inquiry to. Perhaps she had gotten stuck in Customs. I was told I should probably wait a good hour or so before inquiring as they wouldn't be very receptive to inquiries. So I waited some more. At 75 minutes I made another inquiry to which I was told even if she was in there they wouldn't divulge that information for security purposes. Maybe she missed her flight.

I called United and was put on hold for the better part of a half hour. I finally got through and made an inquiry as to whether Xuan had actually made her flight. After some mucking about I was informed she didn't make the second leg. I think I turned white. I began to imagine Xuan wandering around the San Francisco airport asking strangers if they would let her on a plane. She's not the most travelled person and her sense of reality is a little... different. I knew she had no money to book another flight and I certainly didn't have enough to get her on a flight home so I began to stress. The lady on the other end informed me she had changed her flight plans in Mexico to a much later flight arriving at 10pm. Now I got upset. Why the hell would she change her flight. This made no sense. I knew she wanted to catch a later flight from Mexico but her connecting flight? There was no message either. I had come all the way out to the airport and she could have sent me a Facebook message or called me or something. I sat and I stewed. What should I do? I could go home but I'd be turning back around an hour and a half later to come back here. I could stay here for the next 5 hours or so at the airport but I didn't have my laptop so I couldn't work. I reluctantly headed back home only to discover the airport was charging an extra $5 to the ticket so my return ticket cost me $10.00.

I was really choked now. I was running tight as it was and this was an added expense I didn't need. All sorts of thoughts ran through my mind the rest of the afternoon. Should I even bother going to pick her up? What was I going to say? I had several imaginary conversations in my head where I tore a strip out of her. What had I told her about being responsible? Taking other people into account? I was running a little hot. Annie pinged me on Facebook a little while later to ask if the monkey had arrived in one piece. When I told her what happened I think her response was just as baffled as mine. All we could do was wait. At 8 o'clock I called United again to confirm she got on the plane. The lady at the other end sounded completely confused when I told her what happened earlier. Apparently the first lady I spoke to wasn't supposed to give me passenger and flight information. Security reasons. Oh!... I began to feel a little lucky I wasn't left hanging for the rest of the day. She wouldn't let me know if Xuan had gotten on the plane but she was very pleasant in explaining to me the regulations and stuff. I thanked her for her time and headed to the airport. Having had several hours to cool off was good. I was a little more level headed now and I just wanted to see Xuan back safe.

Her flight arrived on time and I waited anxiously. As the deplaning crowd began to turn into a trickle, a facebook message. "I'm here."

"Where?! What happened?!" I replied.

"Big trouble," she said and I waited for her to come out of Customs.

Another 15 minutes later a very weary looking Xuan came through the doors. Big hug. She was home. She proceeded to tell me how she got in trouble at the San Francisco airport when a friendly customs agent spoke with her and she started joking around with him.

Uh-oh.

Apparently she was asked what she did for work while she was there and she replied she didn't work then made a joke about selling live animals. Oh, Xuan. You didn't...

For obvious reasons she was pulled out of line, her luggage thoroughly searched, put through a battery of questions, peed in a cup and even was given a cavity search (ouch). In the end she was let go but it was a rather unpleasant experience for her and a hard lesson learned. Do not mess with people that deal with National security. I can't even imagine what would have happened if she got caught at Mexican Customs.

Lord almighty. I'm grateful her experience was with US customs and not another country like Thailand or some other first world country that might have just thrown her in prison. I'm grateful for the lady who gave me information that she wasn't supposed to. I'm grateful that she didn't say something worse. Mostly, I'm grateful she made it home in one piece.

Thank you thank you. I held her tight.